Brewing summer storms coming from the west, coming for days,
but delaying arrival. It’s like we are living in a zit that just won’t pop. The
air is thick and putrid; misery hovers; pain grabs onto the head and won’t let
go; irritations multiply.
Like a cat watching its prey, the river lies low. Concentrated,
steady, she braces herself for the promised storms.
Then suddenly, the sky turns black, thunders itself into
thousands of pieces, and rain falls like a powerful new showerhead. The wind is
violent. The river turns brown and rises quickly like a protective mother –
raw, instinctive, and powerful. Speed describes her movement.
The storm move on to the south and the sun comes out, but
the air is still thick. Mud, broken branches scattered like trash on open
ground, lingering headaches, sticky skin, these are the residual effects of the
summer storm. The river is settling, but rapid movement and brown color are the
signs that tell me not to touch for the energy that brought forth her anger is
not yet fully dissipated.
Emotional buttons were triggered and my blood boiled. It happened
quickly like the sudden arrival of the black sky, but it wasn’t any surprise
because the storm inside had been brewing for a long time. My heart had been thick
and heavy like a growing blister. Crouched, stoic, concentrating on protection
and survival, I had been on guard. In that position, I looked like the river
before the storm – calm and peaceful. By all appearances, I looked like I was
weathering disappointments and irritations very well.
But when the sky turned black and the winds lashed at my
hair, my pen flew out of my hand and the pages of my book were ripped and
shredded. I too, turned brown and spilled over my boundaries. Cold, raging
surface and boiling blood below clashed in my being and I spun out of control.
Today I feel the sun on my skin and I can feel it penetrate
into my heart, but the debris of the storm remains. The energy of the anger has
not yet fully dissipated.
The spongy earth beside the river is not inviting me to sit
close to her. Likewise, I too must demand my own time and distance from the frolicking
ease of summertime joys. I will invite the hugs when the land at my banks is
dry and solid enough to hold the weight of others.
When I wade into the safe waters of the river, you will know
that you are invited to join me, and then I will hug you.
Driving to the park
early this morning, the top down on my car, the cool morning wind whipping at
my face and neck, I took not of the crescent moon, still high in the sky, and
the morning sun yawning at the horizon behind my back. The birds are busiest in
the morning, you know, so it was their chaotic chatter that serenaded me as I sped
along the bare, lonely country road. Then a solitary human voice came into my
head singing an old song stolen from contemplative moments during the hippie
days: “I’ve look at life from both sides now, from when and where, and still
somehow, its love’s illusions I recall…”
My eyes popped open. I
could see with those inside eyes where epiphanies are fertilized. It really isn’t
love at all; no, not at all.
Life happens on several
dimensions simultaneously and we simply aren’t able to grasp them all at once
or even to separate them so we can understand and embrace them in their full
entirety. Instead, there is some internal mechanism that allows (or dictates?)
us to choose one at a time, usually the most outer, most physical, most obvious
one, and that is what we react to, the level on which we live most of our days.
We interpret our lives from the behaviors of others we encounter and our own
choices. This in itself creates a highly complex web of dynamics and therefore
tends to consume our lives. But unless we delve into the other levels, we are
stuck in illusions.
Yes, illusions of
love. But it really isn’t love at all; no, not at all.
I am thinking of the
parent who fails to protect, the parent who victimizes his child, the lover who
lies, the friend who walks away… These things cause crippling pain. So to
survive, we pack the pain deep inside. Terrified it might return, we slather it
with mud in the form of words of anger and hatred, acts of self abuse,
attitudes that we hope will solidify the pain into lifeless stone that cannot
be resurrected. We misunderstand love, at once both unable to trust another
human, and at the same time, seeking love at every turn. We are either angry at
God or simply deny any existence of such an omnipotent, all-powerful Great
Spirit we are told is “loving”. It just doesn’t make sense: a real God wouldn’t allow such devastating
and crippling pain in those He/She is supposed to “love”.
No, it doesn’t make sense. But that is because
we are viewing it from the world of illusions. The people who hurt us did so
because of their own bundle of shit; not because love isn’t real.
The challenge of the
earth life experience is to reconnect to Spirit even while trapped in physical
form. The dynamics of human interactions leaves us all with big bags of shit:
the abusive parent destroys our innocence, the natural avenue to healthy
maturation; the deceitful lover poisons our hearts, the path to visions and depth
of understanding. These kinds of encounters are thieves – they rob us of years,
sometimes all of our years. The only way to stop the thief, and end the pain,
is to move beyond the illusion.
How? This is the irony
of the earth life experience: in order to overcome the pain, we have to embrace
it.
We cannot avoid the
illusion because it comes with the earth experience, but we have to transform
ourselves beyond it. This is a huge feat, and yet, the choice is simple: walk
into the dark shadows where the monsters reign and forge onward until you
arrive in the “promised land” (and for whatever it is worth, I’m asking you to
believe without reason that you will emerge into paradise that is
greater than any dream); or stay in the illusion where you will grow weary and
ugly from the steady seepage of poisonous pain.
If you stay in the
illusion, you will have moments of happiness. You will have friends who care
(they will come and go), and you will have successes that make you smile. But the
pain will eat away at your soul and one day you will wake up and be shocked by
how hard and crusty you have become. In the process of living, you will always
know that there is a hole in your heart and you will have to expend tremendous
energy constantly patching it.
If you choose to face
the pain on the other hand, know first of all, that you don’t have to do it
alone. Feed your soul with the living earth, not the people who walk her
surface, but the life force that has endured all the violence of human touch. The
dependability of the seasons, for example, is proof of the value of faith and
patience. Consider the flowers that are slashed to their death, and yet return.
Feel the air on your skin and allow yourself to be cradled by its touch. Feel the
sensation of your blood surging through your body; lift the gate in your heart
and give in to the movement of your blood as it pushes your tears outward,
drenching your skin.
The field of
psychology is full of professionals trained to hold your hand as you ride the torrential
journey through your pain. Choose to trust.
The pain is
unbearable, even in its tightly packed container in your heart. So the idea of letting
it out paralyzes you with fear. Of course you don’t want to face it! It takes
courage.
Have courage. I can’t tell you where
to find courage, but I can tell you that it’s there; it is within your grasp. Have
courage, then let it be. It will take you into hell, but it will bring you out.
Coming out of hell
will change you and you will finally know, in no uncertain terms, that you will
never have to go back. Coming out of hell will not relieve you from the illusions
however, because the earth life experience is defined by illusions. The difference
is that you will be able to see the illusions and therefore be able to embrace
the other dimensions of life. You will know how to balance them. You will know
the difference between love’s illusions and real love.
Yes, there is such a
thing as “real” love. Journey on, my dear, sweet child, and look at life from
both sides (all sides). Only then
will you be able to merely recall the illusions while living authentically the
truth that is safe and pure and uniquely yours
to know.
