I have a clean slate in front of me. I have a clean white sheet of paper and I can write my own story however I want to write it. The whole world is open for me and I can do anything I want. I should feel free and ecstatic. But I don’t.
It’s the void, the blank, the unknown, the emptiness that makes it feel less than victorious. I know what I’ve lost, but I have no idea what I have to gain. It’s the not having a plan or a dream or a vision that makes me feel frightened. But that doesn’t make me a loser – just lost maybe.
I need to refocus my thoughts so that I can see this new emptiness as exciting potential.
How long does a person need to lament disappointment before she can stand up and walk again? It crippled me and I will never again walk like I did before, but I will walk again. I can only know what it will feel like and where it will take me if I stand up and try.
I need to have a mantra that can serve as a compass – pull me back on this track of thinking every time I start to waiver and fall. Yes, being free of him is bigger than the pain. Even without a dream or a plan, being free is huge. I think I need to just identify this new freedom – the blank page is not so empty when I understand that it is freedom I have been given. I have always treasured freedom; how ironic then that I can not recognize this as freedom.
I am the victor because no one can ever destroy or take away what I hold most dear and those are all the intangibles – my relationships with my children; my relationship with God; my integrity; my theology and philosophy; my mind; my faith.
My dreams are gone, but he didn’t take away my ability to dream. And now, without him, my dreams will not be stifled or ruined. They will come; I trust that they will come. I will ask for them and ready my heart for their arrival. I welcome this emptiness because it means that when the dreams return, no old thoughts can cloud them.
I am free. Thank God, I am free!